Dear New Wife, That Instagram and YouTube Marriage Is Not “Goals”

When I married my husband in 2006 there was no Instagram. Facebook was only mildly popular and no one had a trending thread on Twitter. I couldn’t find any meal ideas or sexy quotes from Pinterest and everyone’s YouTube video was cheap. We didn’t have a jaded perception of what a healthy marriage looks like. We had to look at other couples in our family, church, and community to grow. This is not an old method it’s the best.

There is nothing wrong with posting your relationship candids as a couple on Instagram. There is nothing wrong with aspiring to have some of the things that you see other people with. It only becomes a problem when it forces you or your spouse to become someone else or simply put become phony and fake. Now, don’t get me wrong! If your husband has Instagram and it’s not for business there should be some type of distinction to his followers that he is married, but that doesn’t mean that every post has to be dedicated to his undying love for you.

Because of Instagram and YouTube, we have front-row seats into the private lives of so many marriages, but I want you to know that it’s not all authentic and suitable for your marriage. Be wise enough to understand that it may all be for the sake of that post. A year ago one of my favorite YouTube families quietly separated and later divorced. I was sad for them. They appeared to have so much in common and so many aspirations as a family. They had even launched a popular brand sponsorship for families with young children like mine. In one of the videos, the wife stated that we may no longer see her husband in the vlogs because he actually hated being on camera. She kept vlogging and forcing him to make small appearances here and there. It was uncomfortable watching them both be uncomfortable filming for us strangers, and all for the sake of what? A brand, a social image? Yes!

Her husband was always completely annoyed when she was filming. He didn’t try to hide it. What I wish she would’ve known was that her marriage was worth more than what that brand could ever pay her. Doing and forcing things for the masses on the outside of marriage will always cause problems within the marriage. Everything on YouTube is edited for our enjoyment. Imitating what you see couples on Instagram and YouTube doing will likely give you a false perception of what marriage is and how it evolves.

Instead, it’s important to keep in mind that you can only do what works for you as a woman and you have to allow your husband to only do what works for him as a man. Together you can both find your connection as a couple without the influence of anyone else.

What I want you to know as a new wife is that there is no such thing as a perfect man or husband. There is such a thing as a good man, a loving man, a hardworking man, a loyal man, and handsome man, and a family man, and they make the best husbands. Matching cars and shoes don’t have to be your goal as a couple. Living in a faithful, loving, and happy marriage should be. If I based my marriage on the things that I see on Instagram I would be single. I would be forcing my husband to be some other guy and not himself.

My husband wasn’t the guy to send flowers to my job on Valentine’s Day when I worked outside my home. He is the guy that made sure I had a perfect date night away from our needy children. He has never been the guy to post his love for me on social media (he’s not even on it) he is the guy to tell me in person and in front of his family and friends. He’s the man that makes sure that I always drive the newer car in the household. He’s the man that would skip his lunch break just to bring me lunch when I was pregnant. I could go on and on about my husband, but that’s not the purpose of this post. The best moments of our marriage will never make it to this blog or Instagram. Don’t lose a good husband based on what someone else posts about theirs. Don’t give up on the possibilities of your marriage because of the short moments of frustration or unrealistic expectations.

Instagram can be fun sometimes, but if you don’t stay in touch with your reality you can leave yourself feeling unloved and depressed. The man that you married is capable of loving you so greatly and together you both can live amazing lives, but do it your way. Instead, create your own goals, enjoyment, and more importantly be present in your own marriage based on what you need, want, and what your spouse can actually deliver.

There are so many people that can positively influence your marriage. Spend time with the couple in your family that has been happily married for years. Go to counseling. Make a list together of the things that you want and want to do as a couple or family. Attend marriage conferences and read a devotional for couples. Pray together, be intentional, and spend time together as much as possible or even if it’s only for a few minutes a day. There is no perfect marriage, but there sure are some worth fighting.

Carmen ❤